Having difficulties with your partner?

Dr. Karen Rothman shares CBT techniques for improving communication

You’re not alone. Over a third of romantic relationships in the US are struggling—and that’s what the research said BEFORE COVID-19 kept us in the house with our families for months on end! Feeling disconnected from our partner can be draining! It can impact our mood, concentration, patience, parenting skills, etc. So how do we improve things at home when it feels like nothing is working? Most of the time, the answer lies in communication.

Here's an example:

For the last few weeks Jill has been telling her husband, Jack, how worried she is about their son potentially having an asthma attack at school. Every time she brings it up, Jack dismisses her and minimizes her concern. In turn, Jill raises her voice and criticizes Jack for dismissing her fear and repeats herself in an attempt to get her point across. Jack becomes defensive, accusing her of calling him a careless father. This escalates quickly into a heated argument. Jill feels unheard and misunderstood, and is discouraged from talking with Jack about her other feelings and concerns. Jack, meanwhile, feels attacked, criticized, unheard and misunderstood—and is discouraged from discussing parenting decisions with her moving forward. Neither feels supported; there is no empathy being expressed. There’s no chance for effective problem solving. The connection feels tenuous at best. 

The Speaker-Listener Technique is a couples therapy skill that teaches partners to slow down their communication: 

(1) Partner 1 is asked to speak only from their own perspective (refraining from things like blaming language),

(2) Partner 2 is asked to paraphrase only what they heard Partner 1 say (refraining from interpretation or jumping to conclusions),

(3) Partner 1 gets an opportunity to confirm whether Partner 2’s paraphrase was accurate. 

If not, we start again.

If yes, Partner 1 and Partner 2 switch roles. With this skill, couples feel heard, understood, and on the same page—leading the way for connection and problem-solving.

Let’s apply this to Jack and Jill! Using the Speaker-Listener Technique, Jill explains that she always feels very nervous about her son’s health because of her own anxiety. Jack learns that Jill’s concern has nothing to do with her view of him as a parent. As a result, he becomes less defensive and more empathic towards Jill’s concerns about their son. In turn, Jill comes to Jack more often for support, and Jack feels valued as a partner and as a parent. Neither avoids one another, and they feel like they’re working together as a team.

At Together CBT, we teach couples to identify what’s going wrong with their communication and provide tools (and lots of opportunities for practice!) to try something different. By improving communication, we build emotional safety, trust, and closeness between partners.

Find out more about our couples therapy services here!